I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. My boyfriend has been divorced for over a year now…the relationship was long ended before I came into the picture, but they were living together until the ex wife could get her affairs in order to leave. I’ve spent time with my boyfriend’s son and things have been pretty good, until recently. The child is extremely disrespectful (to anyone, not just me), defiant, and down right unruly. He has nightmares, (occasionally) issues with wetting the bed (at times, he still wears a ‘pull up diaper), violent outbursts (kicking pets and kicking people), and is very ‘mouthy’. He recently has decided to not want to play a sport that he used to love last year. He is 6 & 1/2 yrs old….he is also an only child. He lives with the ex wife in a small cramped apt filled with clutter and disorganization. My boyfriend is living in a house, that is ‘clutter free’. The child was seeing a ‘social worker’ but is no longer in treatment (due to insurance issues on the social workers part). My boyfriend is actively looking for a psychologist for his son to go to. In the meantime, what role can I play in this part? The child is comfortable speaking to me about things, but at times like I said earlier can be extremely rude and defiant towards me. I am doing my best to be there for my boyfriend during this tough time with his child. I think I’m just more concerned/confused about things….is all of this just ‘normal’ 6yr old behaviour, or is this due to the divorce and the changes going on in his life? This child is also surrounded by older people that really aren’t choice people for him to be around…..no ambitions, no jobs, not exactly good role models. The child also doesn’t have many friends his own age, and has learned at a very young age that he ‘wants to take the easy road…sit around and get catered to’. My boyfriend is also very upset that his child has to go see a doctor, but I think that it’s good to get this taken care of now, at such a young age as opposed to waiting until he is a teenager. Is anyone else going thru this?? HELP!
@ michael: I can tell you that my boyfriend is quite stable (for the most part, but then again who really is stable all of the time?), but the ex wife is NOT! she is a woman in her mid 30′s who thinks she is in her early 20′s. I’m just curious if the child’s actions are due to his age and being a boy? or is it due to the divorce over a year ago? As far as i know, the ex & my boyfriend ‘get along’, but i’ve never met her or spoken to her, only go by what he tells me of her. I just want to make sure my boyfriend’s child is going to be ok, and again, how I can help everyone?
A good child psychologist can go a long way in helping a child deal with their problems, as can stable and supportive parents, you need to talk to him as much as you possibly can about the problems he is having, why he is having them, and what you can do to help him resolve them. Be calm and understanding with him no matter what, and under no circumstances, should you argue with your boyfriend in front of him, as it is probable that this would make it worse.
Even if he’s only six, he’s still a person. We don’t “deal with” people we relate with them. Try that.
It is great that you are so concerned for the boy’s well being! The most important thing is to provide a loving and structured environment for him, especially is he isn’t getting that support and structure at his mother’s house. You are wise to deal with the issues that he is having now so that it doesn’t become a bigger issue later.
Be firm about his language and behavior towards yourself and others. When he is disrespectful he needs punishment and correction in whatever way works for your family (I suggest the time out system). But he also needs to be rewarded to good and positive behavior. Spending quality time together would be a great reward, especially for a child who has gone through the divorce process.
Maybe you and your boyfriend take him to the park and play the sport he has been loosing interest in and try to encourage it to grow again, or get interest in a new sport since athletic activities are a great outlet for children.
As far and the nightmares and bed wetting go be there for support and comfort for him after a nightmare and don’t make a big deal of the bed wetting. You don’t want to make him feel insecure about it more than he any child already would be.
It sounds as if you are going in the right direction!
Good Luck!
The child is still young, they need to unspoil him, can’t they just beat him? (sorry that’s how i was brought up)
If the child act rude to you, don’t even try to be nice to him, if he wants to come to you and be nice talk to him other wise, just say hi to him and if he needs someone be there for him, don’t force him to be your friend.
He’s most likely acting this way b/c his parents are divorce, but someone isn’t right with him.
I know what to do to children like that, but meh, what can you do lol.
Good luck~
he is showing all the typical signs of a child who has been torn through a divorce. things like wetting the bed, the acting out and defiance, all of those things can be his way of saying he doesn’t like what’s going on. Although you cannot really take on the role of a mother to this child, you can try your best to be his friend, listen to him when he wants to talk, but don’t push him to talk unless he has shown that he wants to. Unfortunately since he is not your child, you cannot address and deal with his behavior, only his parents can do that. however, you can tell him when something is not polite or that you don’t like when he does something. (i.e. “it isn’t polite to talk to adults that way” or “i don’t like it when you treat me like this”). The best thing you can do is talk to your boyfriend, if he is willing to listen of course, and tell him what you observe and how you feel about things, but be careful not to make it sound as though you are the doctor trying to diagnose his son’s problem and tell him what he needs to do about it. Simply say something like, ” I notice that “Tommy” acts this way when he is around me, or around so-and-so and other people, and I am concerned about his behavior.” This opens the door for your boyfriend to say that he has noticed as well and you can ask him what he thinks the problem might be and if he thinks there is something you can do to help. It would be best for him to see a psychologist, as i said before, this behavior is very typical of a child who was dragged into the middle of a divorce, and often times parents don’t consider talking with their children and letting them express how they feel when they have decided that divorce is inevitable. it is very hard for young children to cope with divorce and even though they have good verbal skills, they still do not understand all their emotions so they cannot always share their feelings the right way, so they act out instead and do things that children at that age might not normally do. I understand that it is upsetting to know that your child has to see a doctor or psychologist for something, but there is nothing mentally wrong with this little boy and you just need to remind your boyfriend of that. The purpose is not to make him feel like there is something wrong with his son but it is to help his son learn what he is feeling and to resolve things for him’ because even though the parents have resolved their issues and gone on after the divorce, the child still needs to have things resolved. in his mind, the divorce is not a said and done thing, it is still going on and he needs someone to help him express his feelings so that he can voice himself to his parents and have the issue resolved for him. All you can do is simply love him, and pray for him, and continue to encourage your boyfriend to let him see a psychologist so that he can get the help he needs. Good luck to you and i pray things work out for the best. God bless you.